Happppppy days!

J is at home and i am soooo happy :D Everything is so great, honestly! I like that we can talk and set thoight right. I know we both make mistakes and sometimes act the way we don't want to act. But we still do, without even knowing why. It's okay, as long as we learn from our mistakes and try to be better.
I had so much fun yesterday. J surprised me with two beautiful roses! I hadn't got roses for a while so it definitely surprised me! :) And then we went to J's dad's place (me, J and his bro). We sat there for a while, talked and then we headed out for a lunch (i ate a very delicious fish!) and then all four of us went to the movies to watch Final Desitnation 5 ! Oh'boy was that a MOVIE! So awesome! And creepy. I really liked it. After the movies we went home. It was so good to sleep next to my man, cuddle with him. He keeps me warm. I wish he could be with me every single day and night!
Today J woke before me. Such a surprise! But i actually very liked it. We talked and just laughed. Then we headed out for a breakfast. We went to the Vapiano for a pasta ( i know weird choice for breakfast, but we were starved!). Anyway, then we went to the movies! We wacthed Friends With Benefits. I soooooooooo loved it! It was the bestest movie i had watched for a long time! :) Ok. I better go and spend my whole time with J ;)

Xo.

sadness

Sadness in my heart and sole. Oh, i wish i could smile. But there's no point at smiling because i would still be hurt and broken inside. Sadness. A word that describes what i feel inside.
One day could change everything. Actually one word or sentence could. And love. It's a mystory to me. I still think it's the most beautiful feeling in the whole wide word. But it can bring you a lot of sadness too.
I am waiting for Friday. But at the same time i am so scared of it. I don't know what am i going to do. I feel so lost and alone. I feel empty and betrayed. I'm sad. And still, all i want is You!

do you know?

my thoughts today

Today has been full day! First i had geography lesson at Kadrioru ... . It was pretty pointess because teacher walked so fast and we had to run to keep up with her. And she talked so quietly we hardly heard what she was telling us! And on top of it all, she made up climb up some rocks, walk through the forest. My boots were sooooo muddy! :| It didn't look pretty. haha. And she kept us there so long that we were late to our art class. Anyway, art was fun. But when the class ended i had a big amount of mud under my desk. Thank God i wasn't the only one :D
After university i ran through the foodshop and then i met my long lost friend Elise (i am kidding...she's not that lost!). But we hadn't seen since April because she's living in Denmark. We came to my place because i was waiting for Starman Internet and cable guy to come here. We had a cup of tea and when the cable guy left, we headed out for a dinner. We also wanted to go to the movies, but there wasn't much to watch. All good movies are coming out on 23th September. :/ But we still got to talk a lot so it was good! :)
I am back at home now. Finally we have a fast Internet! Yay! I feel good. But not great. I feel like something big and important is missing. I was walking on the street alone before and my thoughts were only at one place. I wish i could do something to make things okay again. Because i feel so weak and not like me. I want to have happy thoughts, i want to smile even if I am alone. I want to have reason to wake up a smile on my face. Only one person could make this all happen. Just one voice!
Missing you is the hardest thing on Earth.

How long?

I am sad. And there's no one who could help me. Well, only one person, but he's more like helping me become more miserable :(
Why do you hurt on purpose someone you love? Does it feel good? I can't imagine. I have never done it. If i do hurt someone sometimes it's not on purpose. And i apologize. Why is it so hard to say you're sorry. Sorry. It's only 5 words, one big meaning that could make things so much better.
Oh, i am obviously thinking too much. I just want to go back at time and change few things.. I wish i could.
How long can one person be mad at someone they love? Just because they are so subborn? Oh, i just have to learn to live with it! Gotta be strong and just wait...

I am sorry.

I am sorry. Even if I'm not guilty, not on purpose anyway. You should have just explained me, not yelled at me. If you don't talk to me about everything how do you expect me to know everything and act the way you want. I made a mistake without even knowing it. And seems like i had ruined everything. But you can't just yell blame and me. It's wrong.

I think you are the one who should apologize now. For blaming me for something i didn't even know about. I didn't know i did anything wrong. If i had known it first, i wouldn't have done it. You know it. I won't do anything to harm you. But it seems you still haven't understood it. I hope you'll realise it soon how much i care of you and how i would never hurt or harm you. I am sorry. And i hope you are too!

Dreams!

Oh yes, i am a dreamer! Everybody knows it. But i think it's not a bad thing. I have had dreams my whole life. And it's such a great feeling if some of my dreams have come true! One of them was meeting my Prince Charming! :) The bestest dream i had ever had! Sometimes if you dream and dream and dream, your dreams just come true! So keep dreaming!

Like my dear friend Clara once said: "Nowadays my only dream is to dream another dream."

J, i love you. You are my biggest dream, hope and faith. You make all my dreams come true! I fell in love with you at the moment i saw you. You had me at hello!

No regrets!

I know that sometimes you do it on purpose. To hurt me. And it works.

And i talk and talk and talk. And you keep being silent. Silence is sometimes even more hurtful than words.

I miss you. And i love you. And i know you do, too. But it still hurts you pretend you don't care.

I think we shouldn't keep so much anger or sadness inside of us. We should let it quickly go away because we live once and we must appreciate what we have in our life. Today is a gift, that's whay it's called a present! Life your life today like there's no tomorrow. Don't go to bed without making sure you have told how much some people mean to you, how much you love them. It's what i always do. I just can't go to bed if i haven't told J i love him, coz you never know what the next day can bring. All i know, i won't have any regrets as long as he knows how MUCH i love him! :)

Uh, the weather!

It's definitely the weather that causes my weird mood. I feel so weird.. sad without no reason. The weather is so depressing! But oh well, it's autumn and i must get used to it. I can't hope the summer is going to return..not just yet.

I just talked to J and he made me feel better. But still. I miss him a lot and this makes me sad too :/ I can't wait till he comes home!

what i feel

S + J = love forever

It's autumn :O

Yeah, i really think it's autumn here. It's getting darker, it's getting colder. And it's raining a lot. And i got a cold - i have a sore throat and runny nose. It's not fun at all.

Tomorrow will be my last day of internship at Rocca al Mare school. I LOVE that school. Honestly, it's so awesome there. All the teachers are so nice and fun. And of course my class is super!

Well, i am very waiting for tomorrow because i'm going to Finland! Yay! I will see the love of my life and we can spend the weekend together! I am really excited coz i miss him a lot!

Actually i am so tired, but i am waiting for J. He just finished his job and i think he'll come to skype soon, too. So we can chat a bit.

I really hope i can win this battle with the cold i have caught. I need to be well. University classes will start next week. I need energy and good health!

Wish me luck! :)

confused

Trust. It has been always the most important part of a relationship for me. I learned it long ago. I like to see it as a vase. Trust is like a vase. If you break it, it's really hard to fix it. I think we can always forgive, but we won't forget. And if you loose your trust to somebody it's so hard to start trusting them again. Completely.
Some people has made mistakes and lied. But everything comes out. Always. No matter how. Is it in the right or wrong way. It doesn't matter in the end.
And if you say it's innocent and it's nothing, then why to hide if in the first place?
Is hiding and lying the same? I don't know. But one is sure, neither of them are good.
I have million thoughts in my head, but i think this place isn't the best place where to write them down right now.
I just hope i never have to feel the way i feel right now.

S.B.