off to Finland tomorrow ;)

My mom's camp is over for me for this year. Tomorrow is the last day actually, but i am going to Finland with my sis and dad tomorrow. I cannot wait! I'll see J there :) Whooeee! We'll also do some shopping!
Summer is so great. I went to the Pirita beach with my parents and sis yesterday. It was sooo hot weather. And the sea water was so good. I love swimming! We also put a pool up to the garden so i've been spending a lot of time in the garden - being in the pool and also sunbathing :) Summer is totallllly here! I so wanna stay to Finland longer than just for 3 days, but my uncle is staying with my dad right now :/ Ugh! I miss J and i wanna be with him as much as possible!

This photo is for J:


S.B

short view

Oh changes, changes, changes. Everything is so new, so fresh! And it seems to be better. I hope so at least. I guess time shows how everything is going to go. But i have a good feeling, it'll be okay. J and I are meant to be. And together we can make through everything! And i believe in him!
Anyway, a lot has happened in last few weeks. Jaan's Day was fun. There was a lot of driving. But we ended up at my mom's friends place where we had a BBQ. And J had free days from work so we got to sleep till late in the morning(it was afternoon already, to be honest!). I loved it. I am not much of a long sleeper so i woke up way earlier than J, but i didn't come out of bed. I liked to cuddle with him. So, while he was sleeping like a baby, i read a book. J bought me a book called "The Book of Tomorrow" written by Cecelia Ahern. It was absolutely amazing book. I loved it. Cecelia Ahern is one of my favorite authors. She's amazing. All her books are so great! I can't wait to read more books by her! Super excited! The next i want to read either "The Gift" or "Thanks for the Memories" :)
So yeah, on Monday started my mom's children camp. Yesterday J was one of the teachers too. O'boy he's soooooo great with kids! He's absolutely amazing with them. And all children love him :) How cute! But today J had to go to Finland, so he wasn't able to join us again.
I am quite tired already. It's 11pm. So, i better read a book a bit and then i'll sleep while dreaming of my Jay handsome :)

Sweet life

So, as i said i was a bit over reacting when i wrote a blog post last time. Maybe more than a bit. Anyway, let me write what's been happening ever since. J came home on Thursday! It was absolutely wonderful to see him again! A lot of things have changed. So it's quite a new journey for both of us. But we are together in this and so it'll be okay! When he arrived we went to his place for a sec. I am not going to describe the details or anything but let's say some things scared me a bit. And maybe, again, i was over reacted. But i have some values in my life.. and that's the way i am. I cannot change who i am. I was raised that way. And i have taken J into my life coz he's exactly what i have always wanted to find. A perfect guy for me! He. And only he!
Oh, anyway, we had a little argument over few things. It hurt me a lot. And i know it hurt him, too. And i suppose he didn't quite understand me. It's okay. As long as we are together. And maybe i am again making a lot out of nothing. But it's just not the way i imagined. And now i am not only talking about yesterday. Today too. When J told me "the secret i must keep" i was happy and a bit sad too. For my own reasons. But there was on certain thing that made me happy about this whole situation. And the last days it was all i was thinking about. Cause i am really looking forward to it. And i hoped that if he came home and i told and showed him some things he would be the same excited. Cause it was like a new beginning. And there was so much to look forward to. But he hardly noticed or cared. But i don't blame him. He's a lot in his mind, and who knows what he wants anymore. Maybe i am too excited. Maybe i again over think and hope too much. I should stop planning and hoping and wishing. Cause i don't want my imagine of the near future to crush down.
Haha, i know it's such a complicated blog post. Mostly cause only i understand it.
But to sum up, i am happy with the way things are going. He made the best decision possible. And even though it's just a beginning and things can seem a bit shaggy, it'll calm down and eventually we'll love it all :)

PS! I love you, J ! <3

don't pretend.

I don't recognize you. And it scares me. You yell at me. A lot. Even when you're with your friends. How does that make me feel? Sad. Hurt. Confused. Even more sad. And of course, disappointed.
And you tell me. I can leave you. I don't have to put up with it. But i do. 'Cause i love you.


I am right now just very emotional and that's why i write like that. I am probably over reacting. That happens a lot. But i really feel like you pretend you don't care. It's not the first time. And maybe you don't know, but it actually hurts. So, please, stop!

hurt!

I hate when you sound like you don't care. Like you don't care of me. Like it's so "whatever" to you. Why the hell am i even calling to you, if you act like you even don't want to talk to me. Or like you don't care if we are talking or not. So maybe i should stop. I wonder if you would call me yourself. Maybe. Maybe not. But i care. And that's why i can't stop calling you. I can't pretend like i don't care. It's not who i am.
I wish you didn't pretend either.


I paint this smile on my face and pretend that i am okay. 'Cause that's what you want, don't you?

curious

Oh, curiosity eats me. I just can't wait to hear the news...or anything. Right now i feel I'm cut out. I don't know anything. And i can't call him either.. he said he'll call when he can. I guess i won't hear from him until 5 or 6 pm. Cannot wait to talk to my sweetheart! I truly hope he can come home for tomorrow!!!!!!

Half way miracle

Oeh, i don't know whats wrong with me. I'm too emotional. I don't understand myself. What do i actually want? I know what, but that's not possible. Not right now anyway. Hopefully in the future. Right now i should be satisfied too. And i probably will. I must be. As long as he is happy, i am too! That's exactly what i want. If i know he's happy with everything, then i am truly happy too. But if he's sad, i am too. Right now i am happy because he told he is.. or well, at least he's okay with the way things go. And so am i. Maybe it's a new page we had to turn. And i truly believe it has a lot good for! No matter what we are always together! Love beats everything!!! <3

A miracle is half way here... let's hope it actually arrives here. With a lot of good :)

4 years

C, you're never forgotten!

weekend!

These two days that i got to spend with J were amazing. Well, actually two nights but just one day. Whatever. The time i spend with him is always amazing. I love being around him. So what did we do? Um, woke up late in the morning, had lunch at Vapiano, went to the movies to see Limitless. After that we just walked around, he bought two books so we could go home, be in the bed and read books. But when we arrived home, we ordered Chinese food and then we had dinner and watched TV. I read a book a bit too, while he was doing some work calls. But the day and night were amazing. We watched a movie The Perfect Day from TV and i fell asleep in the end. I didn't want to wake up in the morning because i knew J had to go to work:( But oh well, i had no other choice. When he left, i read a book a bit and then woke up, too. I went home by early train because my family were going to my cousin's graduation and i didn't want to miss it! So, yesterday was the graduation. It was fine. After the ceremony we went to my aunt's house and had a little lunch there. This whole time i wished J was with me. But he called me once, so i got to talk to him. We arrived back home around 11pm, and i was so tired so i went to bed. I got a text from J at 3:30 am. He told he finally got to bed, too. Aw! I feel so sorry for him that he must work sooo late! He needs to sleep and rest not only work, work and work! If he comes home I'll take care of my sweetheart! (If i only knew when that was going to happen... he needs to go to Finland soon :/)

My head is messy. I don't know what i want. But i want a clear decision.

S.B.

like you care..

I really feel like a fool. Thanks a lot.

Lack of words

24 hrs later and still waiting. Stupid huh?
Really disappointed.
But you have fun.


Like i always say. I forgive, but i don't forget.

waiting..

Bah! :| J called and told he's not coming home tonight coz they have a lot of work. He must work tomorrow morning too. Oh, how i hate his job. He only works and works. And whenever he calls me we can talk abt 20 seconds and then he has another call between. And then he calls me back, we talk another 20 minutes and again he has another call. Annoying. When can i talk to my man without interruption?? And most of the time i call him, he can't talk. That's why i hardly call him when he's at work. If he picks up he usually says he can't talk, but that he'll call back soon. And i am waiting and waiting. I know it's not his fault. He just has such a busy time at work.. and he has a lot of pressure and responsibility too. And he's the greatest workmen i have ever met. So thumbs up! He's awesome! But when i am with him i really wanna feel that he's with me. Whatever we do, he gets work calls all the time. I can't wait when we have our OWN time. With no interruption. That's what i am wishing the most of all!
I am sad he can't come home tonight. I hope he won't work too long tomorrow. I can't wait to be with him!

S.B.

Forest, bugs, plants, bog, hotness, mosquitos :S

10th - 14th were crazy days! I was at forest camp with my uni class. It was a hell. We had million things to do...and the days were so tiring. The stupidest thing was that we had to catch and kill bugs and butterflies coz we had to made a collection of these. Pool little buggies. Anyway, we had to work a lot. We also had to learn different plants to know by names. Now when im back at home whenever i walk outside and see different plants i think of their names..and when i see butterflies flying all i think is that i don't have this one in my collection...i should catch it :S Sounds crazy huh?
And my mom came to my room a few minutes ago and told she found a beautiful but dead dragonfly. She gave it to me so i could add it to my collection. Haha.
But oh well, besides hard study times we had a lot of fun too. The room where i stayed at was the best! We were joking around and having fun! At least so much good from that crazy trip.
But it's sooooooooooooooo good to be back at home. And now i have officially summer break till 1st September. I am totally lovin' it :):)
J is still at work, but luckily he's coming home tonight! I cannot wait to see my lovely man! And we'll spend next two days together!
I cooked him cookies today, but i totally screw them up. UGH! Sometimes i really suck at cooking! But oh well, i just need to practice more. I wanna be a good cook for my J :)
Changing the subject, i started watching two new tv shows: Switched at Birth and The 9 lives of Chloe King. I really like them, especially Switched at Birth! I can't wait till the next episodes :)
Okay, i am going to watch tv now i think.

PS! I need a miracle. Can't tell anything more, but if this miracle happens, some things will be easier for sure! Not asking this for myself.

S.B.

Meals and movies!

I've had such a wonderful dinners with J lately (actually all that time i have been with him!Lol)
Two pictures of one of my fav dinner which was just delicious!!!!!




Yesterday we had nice dinner at Kohila too! I took this photo of J while we were waiting for our meal! Isn't he cute? Ohh, yesss he is :D

Yesterday when we came home, he had a little BBQ. And we decided to go to the movies (J, me, my older sis, her husband and my younger sis). Went to the last seance. We went to watch Hangover 2 (me and J had seen it once already:P). But i must admit watching it second time was even better ;) I laughed more than i did at the first time! And we stayed at J's place.

fun, work, fun :)

It's so great that university is over. Although i have a lot to do, i can also have fun! The other day (it was Thursday i think) we went to swimming again. It was so much fun! I totally loved it. So, next day i went home and later J called and told he's brother is away and so we decided that i go back to Tallinn. We had a dinner and went to the movies to watch X-men ;) It was such a great movie! We slept over at J's place. Next morning i had to go to work and he went to work too. I helped out at one dance show. It was really fun! But my legs were sooooo tired after that!


Oeh, after that J and i met, we had lunch and went to his place because we were both so tired. We slept for 3 hours and then we decided to go for a walk..we went to the foodshop to buy ice-cream and something for dinner. We ended up buying ice-cream, Domino cookies, another chocolate cookies, Candy King candies, two bottles of Nestea ice tea, wrap for me, 3 hamburgers for him, some fruits and pudding. Such a healthy food, isn't it? lol. :D
Anyway, it was so good to just be. I love being around J. He makes me the most happiest girl in the world!
Now it's Sunday. J is at his work and i just finished tryping names and numbers into Excel. Ugh. i have a lot of cleaning to do. So i better stop blogging.

S.B.

where to sleep?

Once upon a time there were a girl and a boy who were madly in love with each other. One day they decided to go to swimming. And they did. They have a lot of fun! The boy asked the girl if she'd like to stay over at his place. She agreed. But the boy didn't live alone, he shared his apartment with his younger brother. All he needed to do was to inform his brother that he's going over with his girlfriend. But the brother didn't pick up his phone. The boy kept calling to his brother whole evening along. After swimming the girl and the boy had a dinner at Vapiano. they both had delicious pasta. So far they evening spent together was great. After dinner they went to the movies. The boy asked girl to pick up the movie. There were two options. Bot were action movies that girl knew nothing about. She picked out a movie totally randomly. They went to watch Blitz. Came out it was very boring and pointless movie. Girls feet hurt during the movie watching and boy was just bored. But he couldn't blame the girl because she didn't know either of the movies and made her choice randomly. The movie ended around 11:30pm. They walked to boy's place. He still hadn't reached his brother by phone. They arrived to his home and saw brother sleeping there. A boy told that even though they have just one bed, they can all sleep in there. Brother on the left, boy in the middle and girl on the right. She didn't mind. But boy looked at her and asked if she wanted to go to her granny's place instead. She said she didn't care where she was sleeping as long and the boy was with her. But boy told he's not going to her granny's. So, girl told that then she's not going either. She could stay. But boy still thought girl didn't want to stay there with him and his brother and he called her a taxi. She was confused. Why was the boy acting like that? Didn't he heard her? She wanted to stay with him. No matter where. But it was too late. Taxi was on the way. She went outside and the taxi came quickly. The boy wanted to give her his credit card, but girl didn't take it. If the boy wanted her to go, she could take care of herself. Soon the taxi came and she was off. On a way to her granny's she called her and let her now she was going to stay over there. Granny didn't mind. Secretly she hoped that the boy would call her just to make sure if she arrived at her granny's safely. But no. No sign from him. She went to bed and slept well. In the morning around 8:30am she woke up, had dinner with her granny and took a bus to the city center. She planned not to call him first. Because she wanted him at least once to apologize or to make the first step. But she was afraid. Afraid of that it might not happen. And she didn't want to risk. So, she called him. And as soon as they talked she wished she hadn't. The boy was so cold and sounded like he didn't care at all. Like he didn't miss her, like he didn't mind sleeping alone. She knew he only pretended. He always did. He wanted to show he didn't care if he had her or not. But he probably didn't realize that if he kept being like that he might actually loose the girl. There's no reason to hide what your feelings.
After the call, girl took a train and planned not to call him again. Now it was his time to contact her. She went home. After few hours she had to call him because her granny needed to talk to him. And when she did she also asked if he was going to go to her place. He said he wasn't sure. His brother was away so he told he'd like to be at his own apartment. He invited her too. She was happy. She quickly changed her clothes and went took a train to Tallinn. He wasn't finished his work yet so she waited for him. And when they met, she tried to talk about it a bit. They agreed it was a misunderstanding since the girl actually wanted to stay over although boy thought she didn't. Moral of the story: sometimes facial expressions don't speak right; that's why we have our mouth! Speak up!

After that girl and boy decided to speak things through.
They live happily ever after!

in Tallinn with J

I was sunbathing in my garden when J called me. He told he's gonna run late. He had some kind of work project to do. So, he told he's coming home by last train. That made me sad a bit because i hoped to see him sooner. Anyway, 18:30pm he called me and asked what i was doing. And came out he was on the train station. He told he was kidding before. He was about to come to Kohila. But then he realized that his brother isn't at home so he asked if i want to go to his place instead. And sure i was okay with the plan changes. I thought next train to Tallinn is at 7:20pm. So i quickly made myself ready and i was already walking toward the train station when i decided to check the train's timetable. And STUPID me! There wasn't going any train at 7.20pm:/ I called J and told him the bad news. He said it was okay as long as we still see. He made me feel so good! Anyway, i took the next train, at 8:16pm (actually train was 15 minutes late:S). But when i arrived to Tallinn J was waiting for me. We wanted to have a dinner but ended up going to the movies to watch Beatly and eatcing candies from Candy King and drinking sooooo delicious smoothie (mine was mix of ice-cream, strawberries and banana). After the movie we went to J's place. Next morning I went to bed, i went to the libarary to get some books i needed, then i printed my essay out and headed to Viimsi. O'boy how hot it was in the bus. I came out of the bus few stops before mine. I preferred walking. At least i felt a bit of wind and got to breathe normally (in the was there was lack of oxygen). Anywho, i walked to my granny's and went to the beach with my sis. It was such a hot weather yesterday so i totally enjoyed my this summer's first time at the beach! I even went to the sea (though it's obviously too early for that). Water was ice cold, but such a cooling. We were laying at beach about 2,5 hours. When we headed back to granny's, J called me and told he's going for a lunch and wanted me to join him. So i did. I didn't want to eat though because i had promised my granny that im going to eat at her place after i'm back from the beach. But in the end J still made me eat a little pie and ice-cream(that was much of my own choice to be honest!Lol). Well, back at granny's i was there a bit and then i walked my sis to the bus. She went to the center of the city to a dance practice(jazz and bailatino). I walked back to my granny's. Then i finally had lunch(i was so full actually but i only ate because i had promised. And she cooked fish especially for me because i don't eat meat. Yeah, she's that nice!). Then i hunged around at her place until J called me at 5:45pm. He was finishing up his work for that day so i started walking to the bus station to meet him there. We took a bus to the city center. There we met his brother, and after a while with him, me and J went to the shopping center. J needed new shorts. We ended up getting him now shorts, two t-shirts, and new bikinis for me! I absolutely love them. We planned to go swimming to the Kalev SPA. But first we had dinner at Grill House. I ate very very delicious pasta with salmon. It really was super yummie! After dinner we bought blueberries and bottles of water from the food shop and headed to the SPA. But it was already 8:30pm and unfortunately they ended selling tickets at 8pm :( We were both very disappointed. But we couldn't do anything about it. So, we went to J's place, watched American's Next Top Models and ate blueberries :D They were absolutely YUMMMMIIIEEE!!! I love blueberries! So, we also watched a movie I Am Number 4. But i fell asleep sometime in between the movie :S But i woke up just when the movie ended. Then we went to sleep (i would say we went to bed, but we already were in the bed.Lol).
And today morning J went to work, i slept 10 minutes longer and then woke up, got ready and catched train back to Kohila.

When i was in the middle of blogging, J talked to me on skype and asked if i want to go to Tallinn in the evening after my hairdresser so we can go swimming. Of courseee! Yay! So, now i am back from the hairdresser and i am about to leave to the railway station in 20 minutes. J will be waiting me in Tallinn and we will go swimming. I can wear my new bikinis! O'boy i am so excited! We had so much time last time at Kalev SPA! I am so looking forward to today's adventures, too.
As you can see, J treats me like a princess. But more than that, he makes me feel happy. I just love being around him, no matter what we are doing. I love him so much!!! <3 And i never take him or anything he does for me for granted.