I went to Tallinn yesterday and had such a great time with J. Yesterday and today were perfect. I hadn't had so great time for a long time. But of course good things don't last forever. Sad, but true. I admit it was all my fault. And i regret these turning 10 minutes of today evening. I ruined everything. I can't say it was 100% my fault because J definitely had a part of it. He just asked why i was suddenly so strange and what was wrong..i said nothing(tho maybe i really was a bit moody or whatever). But i told i was okay (and i really planned to BE one..i was thinking there's no point to runi the life with my mood..but just when i thought that, he told he's not coming to the train until i tell him what's wrong). So, we had about 7 minutes. I was in the train, he was standing outside the train. He asked, but i begged him to come in. And then the train doors closed :( It hurt me so much, that he chosed to stay outside and not to trust me if i said i was okay. I hoped he would appreciate my decision not to talk about it (because there was nothing to talk about). I sat in the train tears falling. I knew i couln't go home without him..or at least talking to him. So, i called him and told im coming off at the next stop. We met in the Old Town. He was obviously mad/sad/disappointed. And he told that he didn't want to be with a girl who is moody. O'boy that hurt. But the thing is that not only I am mood, he is too! And the other night he was moody and stange and i saw sth was wrong, i asked, but he said it was nothing. I asked again, but he told me to forgot. And i DID! Why couldn't he do the same today when i told i was okay?? Anyway, he told that in the last month we have fight so much. He asked what were we going to celebrate on 13th Feb(our 6 months anniversary)... a month of fighting?! I was thinking: no, 6 months of being together, working through all the fights and still loving each other.
When he told me that he couldn't be with a girl like me(with moods) it hurt me a lot. I knew he was thinking of breaking up with me. Gosh. How can it be so easy for him? I mean, he says he loves me and cares of me, he makes me feel like a princess. And i believe him. But then in the next second he's so ready to break up our relationship. Doesn't it matter to him at all? Don't I matter? I can't imagine even thinking of breaking up with him. I can be mad at him, i can be disappointed or sad.. But whatever i am feeling, i am never thinking of ending our relationship. Because i love him. And i really mean it. J told me todya that sometimes you must leave even if you love someone. I could dump him only if he cheated. I love him and i truly believe that if we are together and care of each other we can go through everything, sickness and health, fights and all that. But i don't see into his mind and i don't know what he's thinking or feeling. I just wished he didn't give up on our realtionship so easily. I think it's worth fighting for. The other day we watched a movie and one man told there to a woman who had constant fights with her exboyfriend: If i had had fights like that with my exwife i would be still together with her. It has a point. Who has a relationship without fights? I don't know any. If there weren't a rain how could we apreciate a sun? If we have sun forever we take it for granted. The same about realtionships.
Anyway, to continue, we went back to the trailway station and were waiting for the next train. We sat and didn't talk much. I saw he was thinking of something. He asked what's next. I told that if he didn't want to be with me then there's nothing i could do. And after awhile he told he has nothing else to tell me, and stood up and left.. Gosh, that hurt me more than anything. I cried. I'm too emotional i know, but i can't help it :/ But it reallt hurt. I know he didn't do it on purpose, but sometimes i think how can people who you love hurt you so much. And how can people who tell they love you hurt you so much?!
I didn't want to sit inside and cry there, so i went out. J was there. Oh boy how much i wanted to hug him and make things go back to normal. But i know it was too late. Be we talked. I asked if that was it. He told me to tell him. I told that i didn't want to break up with him. I have never wanted it. I love him. And i am glad that this is one thing he knows for sure, that i love him. I think i have told this to him enough times, and every time i have said it i have meant it.
He asked what did i think if we could get pass it, could we work things out. I believed we could. It's all up to us. If we really want then everything is possible. He came to the train with me. I had no idea if he was inteniding to leave or not. I wished he didn't. He stayed with me. But i didn't know if he did this because he felt he had to, or because he was sorry for me, or because he really wanted to. I don't know. And i guess i won't be so sure for a long time. How can i be sure all he tells me if true. That he loves me for example. One second he tells me he loves me and wants to be with me, and then in the next second he's talking about breaking up with me. And if he really don't break up with me and only talks about it then it seems like he wants to hurt me on purpose because he knows how much it hurt me. I don't know. All i know is that i love him and i want to be with him. I hope he feels the same.
When he "broke up" with me i was thinking of the past and the future. We have shared so amazing 6 months(at leats for me they have been amazing). Yesterday and today before that moody thingy was so perfect. I didn't want to end our relationship because of my moods. I can't imagine my life without him. I don't know what i would do. I love him too much!
Anyway, we came to Kohila, went to the shop and now are at my place, in the bed, going to watch a movie soon. He's going to Finland tomorrow. I truly hope with all my heart that things can go back to as they were. I miss that. And i give a promise to be a better girlfriend. Whenever i ever feel moody i will think back to today's incident and i hopefully it will remind me of something. I think everythig happens for a reason. So maybe today was a reminder for both of us that there's no point in fighting without a big reason. I learned for today that we live just once and i try to take maximum from every single day!
With love,
S.
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